Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Monkeys Want Cheeseburgers

Dreamt of herding hungry monkeys. It was not nearly as difficult as trying to raise a pretty, hormonal fourteen year old girl in a time and place where blow jobs are considered on par with holding hands. They don't count, dontcha know. (Thank you, Mr. Clinton.)

My daughter and one of her lost soul friends are here tonight getting ready for a couple of "hot, hot, HOT" boys to come over to "hang out." (I'll be here the entire time. Loaded gun not optional.)

The three of us just had a long, very open talk about how "badly" they "want" these boys. I suggested they masturbate when they shower to get it out of their systems before the guys show up. (Yes, I really did.) They took that suggestion with varying degrees of humor and horror. The saddest part, though, was after some while of discussing STDs, birth control, self respect, etc. her friend admitted that "sex wasn't really that great." She's been at it for a couple of years. She's also fourteen.

God help us.


Charles Gramlich said...

And to think, I used to think I wanted to have a little girl in addition to my son.

Steve Malley said...

The men in my family reproduce late (my grandfather was born in the 1880's!), so I'm an outsider looking in on this one. And a stranger in a strange land, at that.

It never fails to amaze me how matter of fact Kiwi parents are about their kids' sex lives. It just doesn't seem to faze them.

I don't mean in that creepy, "Purhapps ze Livestock haff pleazures too" way the Dutch have. They just seem to take it in stride.

Of course, we also have legalized prostitution, an MP (like a senator) who used to be a man, another who's a Rastafarian, a drinking age of 18 and a whole lot of churches.

It's weird, but not bad.

I don't envy you the raising of the little'uns. And I fear what it'll be like by the time I get around to it. If I do.

They'll probably want to experiment with recreational amputation. (C'monnnnn, it's only my pinky. What's the big deal anyway?)

Steve Malley said...


Sorry that comment ran so long...

Avery said...

These kids know things I didn't even know in high school. They'll take that ridiculous pledge and then do any and everything not directly involving the fusion of both the male and female sex organs, so they don't 'break' their promise.

I have two nieces on the verge of teen-dom and I'm already practicing my, "Boy, I'll fuck you up," speech.

Susan Miller said...

This is my nightmare!

Last year I established a bowling night for Slater and some of his friends. We'd go every week, play, have dinner and enjoy pretty lengthy conversations. They would divulge the most interesting things about the girls at school and yes, the increased interest in blow jobs. Slater never said a word in some act of self preservation.

Anyway, it is outrageously frightening, and there can't be any one way to deal with it. Other parents may not want to lock their children in a house with every computer game known to man, but it has worked for me. "Don't look at that girl in her underwear (she calls them shorts). Look, baby...Halo 3!"

Kate S said...

Count yourself lucky, Charles.

No problem about the long post, Steve, Unfortunately, I can't afford to be laid back about what's happening here. I'm a single mom who doesn't want to be a single grandmother anytime soon, and my daughter goes to a school that has the highest rate of herpes in the county. It's scary.

Avery, it's so hard. They think they know everything.

Susan, I hear mothers of sons saying that, and I understand, but honestly, it's much worse when the kid is the girl. They have to deal with more consequences. Good for you for trying to raise a responsible son!

Sidney said...

I have enough trouble just keeping my cats safe and healthy. I can't imagine what it's like to look after kids.

However, your headline and dream do point out an opportunity for me to say: "Please, stop the monkeys!"

Steve Malley said...

HI Kate,

I can't imagine being laid back either. I imagine I'd spend my kids' teen years on the roof with a shotgun!

Kate S said...

How funny, Sidney - I hadn't heard that. Appropriate. I do love a good cowbell, though.

I'm afraid I'm going to need to brush up on my target practice, Steve.