Thursday, February 22, 2007

Response to Susan

Susan's post to my earlier blog deserves its own blog response.

Let's start with the first statement.

The last man that I had an intimate relationship with told me that I would never find anyone to treat me better. Oh please, I said, you're under the impression that I need someone, and I don't. He seemed puzzled.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that, there'd be people crawling out the woodwork claiming to be my baby's daddy. It's as bad as its fraternal twin: "If I can't make it with you, I can't make it with anyone." And not too far removed from its cousin, "If you loved me, you would."

Let's break this down, shall we? (But before I do, let me state that I have nothing but respect for the men who regularly read and comment on this blog--I doubt any of them have used these lines. At least, not since leaving puberty. *g*)

(Cue Lou Rawls) "You'll never find..."

Ahem. And why not? Guys, you may think you're showcasing just how deep your love is, but think about what that statement actually means. Why wouldn't we be able to find someone else to love us deeply? If we inspire such grand passion, are we not capable of inspiring it in someone else? Or are we not truly that lovable and we'd better grab onto you now because we won't get another chance? Is this a threat? That'll have us swooning. Please, talk to your sons about this.

Next, on a more personal note:

The only problem that I have found is sex. I don't want to have random sex and don't feel like I'm wired for that. Yeah,, I know, but it's not the same and all women know it. Do you think this is why you write about it? And isn't that some type of torture?

I can relate to that, Susan. I'm not wired for it either, though I wish I were. I did give it a try, thought I might be able to work out a win-win solution, but found I just couldn't do it. Hence, I had to give it up.

However, as time goes by (guys, you might want to close your eyes here, or go check out Ms Dewey because this is gonna be some serious gal talk) :)

I've noticed that there is a correlation between the times I feel the most sexual and ovulation. That makes it easier to deal with - I see it as any other natural bodily response (such as hunger or thirst) and just as it would be foolish to eat a dozen donuts because I have an appetite for them--since they'd make me sick and do all sorts of damage--I also know I shouldn't go out and have sex just because I have an appetite for that.

While it's true that solo sex can't replace the physical warmth of another human being, noticing the body's ebbs and flows somehow makes it easier for me to deal with the lack. I simply observe what's happening the same as I would notice when I'm hungry and need to make healthy choices to calm the stomach rumbling. (Your mileage may vary - and I'm still working on making the healthy food choices. Getting control of one appetite at a time...and let's not even go there re: substituting food for sex.) The biggest difference of course, is that you won't die without sex. You might feel like you're going to, but you won't. :)

Actually, I will address sublimation because you asked if I write about sex to fill the lack of it in my real life, and asked if that's torture.

Answers: possibly, and not really.

It is an outlet, though quite frankly, the fact that I'm having a tough time remembering how it's done because it's been so long makes me feel unqualified to write on the subject. :)

Seriously, though, I have considered giving up trying to write romance and erotica because I am so far removed from it now. On the other hand, I love writing fantasy and the fact that I'll probably never pet a dragon or capture a fairy wouldn't stop me from writing about it. And that's not even an accurate comparison because I have had exciting relationships in the past, so I can draw on that experience when I write.

Now, if at some point in the distant future I decide I want to share my life with someone, it want it to be just that: A decision to share. I would want the decision to based good reasons and not because I was lonely, horny or seeking security. And certainly not because I'd been threatened with never finding another. :)


heartinsanfrancisco said...

Back in my single days, I heard that line and its relations many times. And I always thought it was an insult based on some lowlife's desperate need to score, and his (their) mistaken belief that women are morons who can be manipulated like Silly Putty.

I am not wired for casual sex either. It's amazing to me how many people are, or pretend to be, because they are afraid of being alone.

It is far better to be alone than to be in a wrong relationship. I learned that the hard way, as most women do, but it was one of the most important lessons of my life.

I really like your blog and your honesty and style with words.

Another Susan

Kate S said...

Thanks, Another Susan. :)

As much as I try to instill this in my daughter, I also realize that she, like the rest of us, will probably have to learn it the hard way too. It's a sad fact of life that experience is the best teacher.

SQT said...

Oh, I love this post. So well thought out and smart.

I've noticed the ebb and flow of my body and what it desires too. I'm married so the sex equation is different. I'm usually trying to fend off an overly aggressive man, but that's another story.

I don't think you're unqualified to write erotica AT ALL. I don't have much (if any) erotica in my life. Married sex, as I'm sure you know, can be very mundane. Especially with kids.

Besides, it's all a fantasy, isn't it? I couldn't do most of the things I read in erotic fiction. I couldn't have multiple partners or threesomes. I like my monogamous relationship just the way it is. But that doesn't mean I don't like to read something racy once in a while.

If it's well done, erotic fiction can help a mood too, let me tell you. My husband doesn't know why I'm all of a sudden interested in him. He doesn't know what I've been reading. But lets just say that books like yours are a marital aid, make no mistake. :)

Charles Gramlich said...

I'll just say, "interesting."

Kate S said...

SQT - ...lets just say that books like yours are a marital aid, make no mistake.

I remember reading an article in either a newspaper or magazine about a study of the effects of romance novels on women's libidos. The conclusion was that women who read them often had more desire for sex with their husbands afterward. So honestly, men shouldn't make fun of their wives or girlfriends for reading it - they should encourage them. ;)

As for fantasy - yes, that's true. A friend of mine who writes almost exclusively BDSM erotica--yet doesn't practice it--is bothered when people assume she must be wild. She points out that if she wrote murder mysteries it wouldn't make her a killer. A thought that was a good response.

CHARLES - LOL, sorry. Most likely TMI. (Too Much Information)

Susan Miller said...

Thank you for such a thorough response to my comment, Kate. Oh yes, hormones and what they'll do to a gal! I agree wholeheartedly.

The only time I wrote romance/erotica it was one of the most frustrating experiences, but that was most likely due to outside circumstances. Anyway, I've never really wanted to try it again due to that experience. It was actually nice to hear that it does not cause frustration for you.

Kate S said...

Well, there's frustration and there's frustration. ;)

It can still be difficult the same as any other writing can be difficult. I suppose the big difference for me is that I'm so jaded about the whole thing. I approach it like any other fantasy, although I usually care about my characters and want to give them what they'd like to have. :)